This morning started out great. I was on time, the kids were both happy and funny, and I was in a generally very good mood.

Imagine my surprise when I ran into daycare to drop off my son, was back out to my car in 3-4 minutes, tops, turning onto the street when I glanced at the passenger seat to see my large black business-style tote missing.

What? How could this be? When I brought Boo’s nebulizer into daycare, did I inadvertently also bring in my tote bag? It didn’t seem likely, but I circled back around to see. No bag.

Hmm. I must have left it at home. Although, I could have sworn I had taken something out and put it back in while already in the car.

Still, I ran on home to confirm what I knew deep down: Some jerk went into my car, while my car was parked in the spot closest to the door. At my DAYCARE. In broad daylight. That jerk was you.

This crime had nothing to do with scruples. I didn’t drop my wallet on the way into daycare, presenting you with coincidental and unwelcome temptation. There was no split second for you to choose right over wrong. You opened my car door and took my bag.

It wasn’t a mistake. You did not accidentally open the door to my car and remove my bag willy-nilly. You did this on purpose, and my gut tells me it was premeditated. Sure, I left it unlocked and that is my own stupid fault. But it doesn’t change the fact that your actions are despicable and asinine.

I’m guessing you thought the bag contained something valuable, like a laptop. It did not. You probably didn’t notice it was “pleather” until you got away with it, either.

You got a bag that I’ve owned for about 14 years, filled with a bunch of stuff that is mine. MINE. My checkbook. My knitting projects, that I have spent countless hours on. My brand new M*A*C Studio Fix compact and my favorite Bobbi Brown Italian Rose lipstick. (The exactly two “expensive” makeup products I own and splurge on.) My book of stamps. My Netflix movie that I was going to send back (pre-paid postage from the work mail room) and will now have to pay a ridiculous fee for. Do you get the theme here? MINE. NOT YOURS.

This is what I know you took from me today. I'm sure I will sit up in a cold sweat later, realizing there is more.

Likely, you grabbed the bag and raided it immediately for cash and untraceable items. You got $40. Whoop-dee-doo. That is $40 you just took out of my Disney savings fund, thank you very much. Of course, you don’t care about that. You probably also threw MY bag into a dumpster.

The scene of the crime.

I’m a right-brained person, and as such my imagination can be very colorful. I have used my own system to “profile” you, which took valuable time from my day. I have come up with two personas who may be responsible for this.

Persona 1: You are a creepy, random thief who happened to target a rushed parent. You were in the right place at the right time. Statistically, you are not a serial killer, but the fact that my bag contained documents with my home address doesn’t help me sleep any easier.

Just let me have an ounce of fun with this, please...

Persona 2: You are actually a parent at my daycare center. You see me daily, and have studied my behavior. You know my routine. Your child eats lunch with mine. You clearly aren’t out of a job, as your child is in daycare. Are you struggling? Cry me a river. Isn’t everyone at some level? Many of us struggle, but I, for one, do not steal during tough times. There are ways to earn money honestly. Your habits are going to, in all likelihood, be perpetuated (since they do learn from example) through future acts of the child you pay big money to put in the daycare center.

The more likely suspect. It's my blog. I can say that.

Avid knitters might speculate that I am the victim of a Knitter Hate Crime. Although I lost 3 sets of needles, several balls of yarn and my precious, beginning knitting endeavors, I think the knitting supplies probably caught you off guard.

R.I.P.

I think I have said enough. I’m actually writing this in an effort to release some of the very bad thoughts you made me think today. I am glad nobody caught your pathetic, jerk-wad booty in the act, as you may have panicked and actually harmed someone over the meager contents of MY black bag. I am glad my disorganized nature and today’s planetary alignment worked in harmony to keep the bulk of my ID and valuables out of the bag.

Sincere in my theory that you are a jerk,

Heidi

P.S. The gift card my parents so kindly bought me “from” my kids for Mother’s Day was in there too. If you feel remorse, I could use some new black sandals, size 9. You know where I live.