I was at Walgreens the other day, and I noticed the entire kiosk of Jane cosmetics was blaze orange with clearance tags. Being the makeup junkie that I am, I was drawn to the display and gravitated to a pretty, crystal clear tube of Max Lip2 Lip Plumper. Upon closer inspection, I noticed a hint of pink, which upped my interest.

Look at that pout!

You see, I was born with a rare condition (okay, it might not really be a “condition.”): There is no visible natural pigment in my lips. When I tan, they are lighter than my face. When I’m pale, they blend right in. Hence my love affair with tinted glosses. Oh, thank GOD I’m a woman! (It would be harder to pull off a believable lip tint as a man, no?)

As a result of this natural pallor, and based on my knowledge of makeup application, this “Barely Pink” gloss would nicely complement a more dramatic eye, which I am very fond of creating.

I was skeptical of the promise to plump, and didn’t really care. My goal is not to be the next Angelina Jolie, by any means. I saw it as an added bonus, or element of fun.

So, imagine my surprise when I applied it at work today, only to be met with a slow-building burning sensation, complimented by a creepy cinnamon/hot-pepper flavor and scent. It occurred to me that any plumping action that should occur would be the result of some kind of seasoning or chemical burn. I quickly extinguished the fire with some trusted CoverGirl Wetslicks AmazeMint Lipgloss
, and hoped I wouldn’t turn into the OctoMom at the office.

Because I’m a glutton for punishment, and because I wanted to bring you a legitimate review, I applied some when I hopped in the car for my 25 minute commute home. I was met with the same agony, but stuck it out for the ride home.

They stung until I was able to inspect them in my bathroom mirror. While there was no visible increase to the plump factor, there WAS an irritated red ring around my mouth that was anything but sexy.

I’m going to give this product 2 SingleWorkingMama THUMBS DOWN!

One more thing… Don’t leave this stuff in reach of your children! Imagine what could happen!

What can I get for you, Miss Jolie?