“What are we doooooing tonight, Mom?” my daughter asked with a big grin when I met her at the bus stop Friday.
Not one to lie, I said “We’re going to Dr. V’s office to get the Swine shot,” I started, finishing quickly with “Ialreadyhadmyflushotanditdidn’thurtatallthisyear!” (This is true.)
She instantly got tears in her eyes. A little joking around, and some impromptu revision to the Black Eyed Peas “I Gotta Feeling” (it was on the radio – see our revised lyrics below) and she was surprisingly fine. We were off to pick up her brother.
When I opened the back door to the car, he hopped in and said hello to his sister. She immediately stated “Boo, we’re going to get the Swine shot.”
I could see her lips moving, but couldn’t hear “Mom said it didn’t hurt at all…” over Boo’s wails.
We sang the song. Within minutes, he was chiming in with our moderately disturbed version of the feel-good tune and laughing with us.
All day long, I’d been thinking of a bribe for this painful fact of life. What could I offer the kids to somehow make the sting of their two shots each (oh yes – Swine AND Seasonal) just a little bit more dull? When I picked up Boo, I saw some coupons for a “FREE MAGIC SHOW,” and it just so happened to be at 6:30 this very night. Ding ding ding! Winner!
The kids smiled all the way up until the very moment Boo took the plung(ers), and he only cried for a minute. Druesy didn’t cry at all.
Bring it on!
We headed over to the local hotel/conference center where this event was going to take place, and walked in just in time. My ticket was $12, and I still thought it was a cheap night for the three of us. I’d spoken to one of Boo’s teachers (“Miss T,” who I now consider a friend) on the phone earlier, and she agreed to meet us there with her son.
We walked into the room (your standard banquet room – average-height ceiling with drop panels, dark green carpeting), and there was a merchandise stand, a popcorn stand and the “stage,” with banquet table chairs forming the audience area. When the lights dimmed, I noticed the workers at the stands all disappeared.
The first few tricks were interesting. The kids were thrilled.
The second act (here’s where the variety comes in) was a “vocalist.” A hearty woman with a very short skirt and camisole covered by a buffalo checked shirt came out and sang the whole, entire, extended version of Miley Cyrus’s “Party in the USA.” I looked at Miss T, and she pointed to her four year-old son. He had his hands over his ears. I looked around and saw kids staring, half in a trance at the stage. My little Druesy was jammin’ away with a few other kids in the crowd. Most parents shifted uncomfortably in their seats.
Several tricks and some entertainment followed. Over an hour into it, the magician announced the “halfway point intermission.” I looked at Miss T, who said “Okay, I’m not staying much longer.”
Fair enough… Her son was looking less than enthused. I looked over to my kids, who were boogieing away in the aisle, having the time of their lives. We were in this for the long haul.
The begged me for party favors. They begged for cotton candy. I noticed that the cast (including the magician) was now the crew, selling magic novelties and hot dogs.
Miss T saw it in her heart to stay for most of the second act, and I’m pretty sure she was glad she did. The trick where they chopped up and scrambled the body of the Magician’s Assistant was a crowd-pleaser. Her minuscule, ruffled outfit screamed “Fredricks of Hollywood,” confirming that this was certainly a magic show with a strong hint of burlesque!
Drue got called up for a fun trick involving pouring multi-colored drinks from the same jug, and she loved it.
Finally, the juggler came out. This guy was good. The kids were kneeling up in front to watch – just feet away from him. I leaned over and whispered to Miss T, “If I see flames, I’m freaking out.” (I couldn’t shake the thought of that nightclub fire that killed 100 people when Great White was performing.)
No sooner than this came out of my mouth, I saw the juggler light up some bowling pins, and I turned into “Ninja Mama” instantly. I flew out of my row, and grabbed the kids. They were confused, but when I saw a burning ember land on the carpeting or his foot, I’m not sure which, I knew my instinct was correct. He stomped it out, but O-M-G!
At the end of the day, my kids were thrilled, and are begging me to go back to the show next year. I made a casual stop at the front desk to mention the flaming bowling pins to the clerk. (She looked genuinely surprised.)
We’re all good. Nobody was burned, and nobody should end up with “The Swine of ‘09.”
Here are our modified/shortened lyrics:
Black Eyed Peas Swine Flu Shot Re-Mix
I gotta feeling that tonight’s gonna be a bad night
That tonight’s gonna be a bad night
That tonight’s gonna be a bad bad night (x3)
Tonight’s the night
Let’s live it up
I got my ‘pointment
Let’s get a shot
It’s gonna hurt
Gonna hurt a LOT…”
And in 2010? We’ll probably do it again… Let’s do it! Let’s do it! We’ll do it again…
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